Who Knew??

So as I have gone through all of this there are issues that have popped up that I wasn't aware of... Like nerve pain. If you have never had nerve pain at your joints it kinda feels like you always "just need to crack" that joint to make the pain go away. The problem is you can "crack" your joint all you want, it doesn't relieve the pain. Also the pain can be both intermittent and/or constant at any given time. The Taxol I was on caused it. No one said that after chemo I would still be dealing with all this on the level I am. I was SOOOOO really to be done!! BUT thankfully God and oils were there to help me through even this part of my journey. 

So my friends can tell you I am horrible with patience and not pushing myself. At first, that's what I thought I had done, pushed it. That's what it felt like, I had something out in my back effecting my hips. Then my knees and left arm started in. Honestly my left arm felt like someone was breaking it, not during the day... It just ached during the day. Night was when my body decided was the best time to go all out pain. I tried stuff for joint/arm issues without a lot of success. Then I tried the cellular complex topically and orally (just the recommended usage of it) and found I was having less pain. I then added a vitamin complex to the mix and yay! I found I was doing SOOO much better during the day and after a while I noticed sleep was once again MINE! Oh how I had missed sleeping through the night. :) 

Life still has its moments, with all honesty, but compared to how I felt before I am so thankful I have stuff to help me through this part. This can last a few months or be permanent. Being the arm pain has fully resolved with just a few applications I know I can beat this too. 

So hopefully knowing that things CAN be better helps someone out there. God is awesome and in his grand design we have things that we can use to help ourselves. Our natural curious nature has helped us develop things further. I mean HOW COOL IS THAT??? I am so glad to be able to use them to help me enjoy my life more. My kiddos are enjoying the fact that we once again have started visiting some of the MANY national/county parks around us. I have to admit I do too, I can deal with the fact I still have some building of muscle, endurance and flexibility again as long as I can enjoy being outdoors having fun while doing it! 

When Your Fight Just Isn't Enough

 

I have talked about my "bad week" before... Here now I sit literally getting ready to finish my second to the last cycle of chemo and I am already DREADING my last "first week" (aka my "bad week")... Five cycles and I just can't seem to beat that week!

 God completely has me, he knows I can only handle so much and still go out and share the incredible story he has given me. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for his grace and mercy that I have about 3 really bad days that I completely struggle. Yet these weeks seem to be getting tougher. I dread them more, I don't have the strength I did 2-3 cycles ago. It's hard not to wonder if somehow I am lacking in faith during these times. I have overcome and been able to walk strong so often.

I look at the fact that despite being told I would 100% lose my hair I have made it through 5 cycles without that (yes I am down to THE WORST comb over ever but yet I still have JUST enough to be able to wear my handkerchief type head gear and sport JUST enough in back to pull it off), my labs have been awesome and when they are just a little low I have been blessed to pull them back up to speed quickly. My cancer has been BEAT!! One week shouldn't beat me up this bad but yet, yup, here we are at the end of another really hard week that is even dragging into my good, easy week.

I have mentioned before I am a titch psycho about my labs. I am all over those making sure that after my tough week that I am good to go and set to have two strong weeks. I have stayed very healthy despite being exposed to a lot of different viruses over the course of this WHOLE ordeal. I am now considered cancer free (YAY), but with the numbers I have posed that's been something I have known for a while, and honestly God set that as happening from the get go for me. I just walked out with complete faith on that one... So my brain just screams "why" as I sit and look back on how last week went. It's hard to describe feeling an absolute exhaustion that rivals my early and late pregnancy fatigue. The constant waves of nausea, the dizziness and near fainting when I try to get up and move around at times. I even found myself so exhausted I had to have my teen make dinner because just the thought of moving off the couch made me so tired my whole body felt pounds heavier. My frustration with that week and my lack of ability to completely change that when I am the one that generally can take on anything just lends to all that frustration and wanting nothing more than to just have the old me back.

God is good and I have found so much to help me and I have NEVER been alone during that week. I have friends and my "oily" friends that completely support and try to work around anything I can't do. My husband looks at me with his oh so wonderful "you are my wife and I am so proud of you" look and continually encourages me by reminding me of all I have overcome and not dealt with. My medical team reminds me of how they are so impressed with how I have come through all this (ha, that IS by the grace and mercy of God)... Then I get off the phone after filling my favorite nurse Kathy in on all that I went through...  'Move' by Mercy Me comes on and I can't help but sit and dance to my "theme song" that reminds me I am so bigger than this because I have God and my faith. (Ok, so seriously if you click the link and don't dance and feel ready to just go concur everything in your way, we need to talk...)

One more bad week (after two weeks off)... ONE MORE... I look at the others when I go into the infusion center and trust me, this is so petty and whining compared to what I see others go through. I see them broken at times, frustrated as I come cheerily into their rooms. My only hope is always to bring and pass some of my faith and strength onto them. It's so hard to be this whiny and then go look into the face of someone that can't even finish the same treatment because their bodies can't tolerate it or labs are goofy so treatments get postponed... Maybe today treatment will include my theme song playing... Obviously time to pass some blessings on to others today, I get so much strength in watching God work through me to bless others.

Blessing come in many forms so I am sharing some of my favorite ways to help ease this week. God has definitely placed some great hacks that may not take it all away but do help to ease some of the cruddiness. Sometimes it's just so I can get a full night sleep or rest easier for a bit of time. I hope some of them can help others as they go through their bad weeks and fight all these frustrating thoughts. Know my prayers are always out there for anyone else going through all this.

Bad Week Hacks, just a little way to get through those tough weeks...

Digestive Blend (This unique blend contains Ginger, Fennel, and Coriander to help ease stomach discomfort, including indigestion, while Peppermint, Tarragon, Anise, and Caraway aid with digestion and help maintain a healthy gastrointestinal tract.) good gosh I hate the smell and especially when nauseous, but as fast as it works it's helped me through some really rough nausea QUICKLY. Some days I put it on, quick put clothes over it and wash my hands so I don't smell it and just let it work.

Aroma "massage" Technique- my husband does these at night so I can sleep. The joint pain sucks and if I can just get enough relief to be able to rest I can heal. The aroma "massage" technique not only helps decrease that joint pain but I relax and find my nausea lessened also. I LOVE this technique.

Diffusing peppermint and a citrus oil really gives something bright and helps with a constant stream of peppermint to help ease the tummy, know though that I do need to sometimes even take a break from that because smells can get so overwhelming.

Epsom salt baths are wonderful again for helping calm and decrease some of that pain and nausea. If you add oils I use balancing blend to relax at night and when really nauseous I stick to the citrus to help lift my mood (because feeling that poorly wears on you) and actually helps some of the nausea.

Know those days can be really bad and the best thing to sometimes do is sleep and give your body time to work through the chemo. HYDRATE and keep her potassium up during that time also (V8 has high potassium) because dehydration makes things worse.

Like I said it's usually 3-4 days of cruddy then you turn around and can get up and function normal again depending on her course of chemo, which type of chemo and how frequent.

DEFINITELY talk any oil use through with her physician but all I listed are used topically and shouldn't be of issue (I use high quality, good sourced oils). Radiation is a concern because the antioxidant properties may interfere with how radiation works. Know that after radiation oils can be added again as long as there is time in between treatments .It's key that you can allow the treatment to work and then stop before the start of another...Again this needs to be an honest conversation with your oncologist prior to using high quality essential oils.

PRAYERS!!!

Disclaimer: Please understand that this information is for educational purposes only. I am a mom, I am not a doctor, I enjoy passing on the knowledge I have learned in doing these types of projects and through my research. The statements made here have not been approved by the Food and Drug Administration and they are not intended to diagnose, treat or cure or prevent any disease. Don’t take my word for it…you should always engage conventional wisdom and consult with your medical professional to determine potential drug interactions and safety of use. Always when using essential oils for a medical condition or if on prescribed or over the counter drugs, seek advice from a medical professional (DR./PA/NP/Naturopath/pharmacist) on whether the oils will cause potential adverse reactions. 

 

These practices are what work for me and my family, if you chose to take and use them I encourage you take my research and do some of your own prior to using the tips I give. While I do a lot of research when putting these posts out it generally fits into what I would do with and for my family. If you have specific issues, allergies or conditions these practices may not work or may be detrimental to what you are intending to do for yourself. Again, I encourage wisdom and discussions with your healthcare provider to determine safe use of all posts that I provide that can be used for health reasons

Research vs. Blog Posts

Ok, obviously I have to start this out with a giggle being that the irony in this... Well, I get it.

This is something that really is a tough one for people though. We have SO much information available now a days that it's sometimes really hard to find out what out there is truly credible. Even with research based information that I will be showing there will more than likely be conflicting research at some point. We tend to constantly be seeking, just to have someone else seek out to prove things wrong. It can be overwhelming and frustrating. I know as a person that tries hard to find credible sources I find even the most credible ones wrong at times... So what I am truly attempting to do is to give you some places to start. Especially when you are using this information to help towards what you are attempting to accomplish in your life, or with medical staff, or just to gain knowledge. 

I want to say that I do not think all blogs have wrong information or are not credible. To the contrary I use blogs a lot to get good information, link to resources, and I find a lot of valuable information regarding a variety of interests. I LOVE blogs and the bloggers that go through so much hard work to bring them. The problem for me is when I read headlines that, in an attempt to gain readership, sacrifice the true story behind the information they are bringing to me as a reader. Let's take this article for instance, Frankincense Effective in Killing Ovarian Cancer Cells Ovarian Cancer Cells, the first line in the post says that they have CURED ovarian cancer. Being that thousands of women are effected by this deadly cancer every year this is a prayer answered. So WHY are we not all being treated with Frankincense??? Later in the article is where you see "Al-Salmani said that medical professionals can take this finding to the next level, i.e., clinical trial, and develop into an alternative treatment for ovarian cancer.". Another published "cure" headline, Chemical compound in frankincense can cure ovarian cancer... So let's now look at the actual research they are quoting because they both refer to it within their posts. 

Here is the actual release by the college Christmas gift brings treatment hope for cancer patients. It's a short piece that some of the above articles were taken from. For me, in what I was looking for this at least offered a small amount of hope that if I were to use frankincense with the type of cancer I was diagnosed with there COULD be some benefit. I also kept in mind what was written in this article, Can frankincense really fight cancer?. The fact that the "cure" had not gone beyond the initial research testing was frustrating being there are quite a few articles out there using the word "cured" and "miracle" and yet no one had actually proved anything through this research other than potential in a Petri dish. Not that it makes what research that has been done null and void, but to claim to have "the magic bullet" and be able to bring this to a medical practitioner as "proof" was in no way something I could do and think I would be taken seriously. 

I don't know a person out there that doesn't want to see that "magic bullet" discovered. We all want the cure to quite a few things, not just Cancer. But until then I love the fact that we do have people searching and researching. My frustration only lies when we put out information that hasn't been proven and we put it out there as a sure thing. Below I am going to link to some research articles related to Cancer and essential oils. Know that these are for reference and obviously have shown some interesting outcomes. Most of my research I do is off Pubmed because I can link to so many different research topics in one place. Those that I can't find the full article on I google the title to the research article. Usually I can find someone that has posted the entire research. 

Here are a few interesting articles to get you started... All of these offer the hope of having plausibility in working and if you have followed my story at all even though the above doesn't officially offer a "cure" I can't deny the numbers and success I have had. This is by NO means an exhaustive list, hopefully it will give those interested a great place to start. 

Aromatherapy sticks used during chemotherapy...

Chamomile, a study showing potential for cancer inhibition

Bergamot, high in chemical constituents that have been shown to have potential cancer fighting properties

methanol extract on cytotoxicity and p53 gene expression in human breast cancer cell line.

Differential effects of selective frankincense (Ru Xiang) essential oil versus non-selective sandalwood (Tan Xiang) essential oil on cultured bladder cancer cells: a microarray and bioinformatics study.

Frankincense essential oil prepared from hydrodistillation of Boswellia sacra gum resins induces human pancreatic cancer cell death in cultures and in a xenograft murine model.

VERY Interesting study on numerous chemical constituents found in Essential Oils and how they relate to helping to treat cancer.

This one studies various Monoterpenes (a chemical within the essential oils) and cancer

 I hope that this can at least get people started reading and seeing some of the interesting information that is being studied.

Disclaimer: Please understand that this information is for educational purposes only. I am a mom, I am not a doctor, I enjoy passing on the knowledge I have learned in doing these types of projects and through my research. The statements made here have not been approved by the Food and Drug Administration and they are not intended to diagnose, treat or cure or prevent any disease. Don’t take my word for it…you should always engage conventional wisdom and consult with your medical professional to determine potential drug interactions and safety of use. Always when using essential oils for a medical condition or if on prescribed or over the counter drugs, seek advice from a medical professional (DR./PA/NP/Naturopath/pharmacist) on whether the oils will cause potential adverse reactions. 

 

These practices are what work for me and my family, if you chose to take and use them I encourage you take my research and do some of your own prior to using the tips I give. While I do a lot of research when putting these posts out it generally fits into what I would do with and for my family. If you have specific issues, allergies or conditions these practices may not work or may be detrimental to what you are intending to do for yourself. Again, I encourage wisdom and discussions with your healthcare provider to determine safe use of all posts that I provide that can be used for health reasons

Chemo Hack: Massage



Massage is an AWESOME way to help mitigate side effects from chemo. I use it daily during my bad week and then after my treatment the following week. This has been another life saver for me. This has also been one that I have had issues with sharing because the type of technique my husband and I use is very specific to my brand of oils. I will try to keep this broad though because I know massage in general can be so beneficial and using oils in conjunction with that adds more benefit.

As you can see by the picture I also have shown the technique I use with others because it's something that can be done at home by a family member, friend that wants to just help or whomever you know that is willing. The technique can easily be used in between professional massages, I would actually recommend that because a massage therapist is trained and able to hit areas that are problematic for those going through chemo and post surgical. I will get into that in a minute. The benefits from the technique I use is that it hits 4 problem areas most people have so while I use it for cancer right now, it has and is used with my hubby and kiddos also to help them.

The areas it helps to deal with are;

Stress Management - OK, so first off who DOESN'T have need for this in their life? Second, obviously dealing with all that you do having and treating cancer this one is key to keep under control. Stress leads to a "fight or flight" response with our bodies which is very hard on the body systems. Managing stress can help reduce illness, keep blood flow even instead of the shunting that happens during "fight or flight" taking away from organs not designed to help us in times of fear or danger. Living in an fight or flight mode also puts stress on the heart which doesn't help when you are using the meds they use during chemo that can effect heart rate and cause some "pump" issues. Hypertension from stress can also have negative effects on the body as a whole so making sure to take some time for yourself to let your body relax and return from that "fight or flight"/stress response is important.

Immune Support - This is a no brainer during chemo when your immunity is already compromised due to a lot of different factors. Most of us get exposed to so much just going out and about it's always good to be working on building that immune system. That's why probiotics are an important part of what I do daily. That coupled with the Cellular Complex, which also helps support immunity, exercise (ha, I bought a Fitbit to help motivate me to be more active), diet and using oils that help support immunity has REALLY helped me to stay healthy and strong though out the initial diagnosis, surgery and now chemo. Having this in the technique I use is just one part of a whole system to keep me fighting and ready to take on the next round.

Inflammatory Response - Almost everyone deals with inflammation but then to add surgeries and chemotherapy that destroys cells and in my case is delivered directly into my abdomen (other chemotherapies are done somewhat the same in that they are delivered directly into the effected area). Helping to decrease all inflammation allows for the healing process to move quicker. While I believe that our body does what it's supposed to, even with inflammation, too much of a "good thing" generally leads to issues, so helping the body to heal by allowing my blood flow to increase and less inflammation can be beneficial.

Homeostasis - Your body is always constantly attempting to keep itself in a balanced level of being. God beautifully designed that. At the end of this technique the use of Peppermint and Wild Orange is used to help stimulate and ground your mind back to a good place as a perfect end. Citrus oils are generally the main "go to" for issues that deal with supporting mood. Peppermint supports not only the mind but blood flow so as a completion oil it continues on what the light touch has been doing as it keeps that blood flow going after the technique is done.

My husband is SO wonderful and does this technique on the evening of treatments and we really try hard to get them in daily on my bad week. I have to admit that being it's such a light touch I always am amazed at how good I feel afterward. 

While I have not been able to get to a massage therapist I do highly recommend doing so. Coupling it with a good chiropractor makes the benefits even greater. Massage therapy increases blood flow, and adding oils that support only enhance the experience. I generally, in the past, have chosen more balancing oils. My balancing oil of choice contains a blend of spruce needle//leaf, ho wood, frankincense resin, blue tansy flower, and blue chamomile flower essential oils in a fractionated coconut oil base. I love the calming, relaxing and balance I get from that blend. I dilute it down further in an Apricot oil base so that I can have it used on my entire body without getting too much essential oils all at once.

(Research article and abstract on aromatherapy and massage therapy use on women with breast cancer)

Massage therapy also can be used to target specific areas of pain, help break up adhesions from surgeries thus reducing stretching, tearing and pain from them. Obviously I have mentioned the blood flow increase but the touch itself is very therapeutic and stimulates the limbic system. A good massage therapist can help mitigate many issues that you have from chemo or the cancer itself. It definitely helps your body to heal itself using it's own natural methods. God has a wonderful and beautiful design to how we were created, our body has many methods to help itself achieve what it needs to stay in homeostasis.

There are many different types of massage therapy and asking which type may benefit you the most for whatever you may be dealing with may lead you to discover a different massage type that you may not have thought of.

I realize I mentioned the technique listed above, for those interested in learning more on that please feel free to contact me privately for more information. My e-mail is lifeontheurbanfarm(at)gmail(dot)com (I have to write it out to keep from "bots" or "spammers" just write out my email in the conventional form when emailing me).

Before trying ANY of the hacks I post PLEASE make sure that you discuss this with your healthcare provider to ensure they don't have concerns or objections due to a potential to interfere with your treatment. I have a very open and honest dialog with my whole team. Know that there are times that they have voiced concerns. I use research and common sense in what I do to help mitigate my treatment issues, they have all been approved and talked over with my team. I encourage others to do the same if they use these. Sometimes using tools such as Pub Med helps to bring researched based rationale into why I use the oils I do, and allows my team to make a researched based informed decision also.

Disclaimer: Please understand that this information is for educational purposes only. I am a mom, I am not a doctor, I enjoy passing on the knowledge I have learned in doing these types of projects and through my research. The statements made here have not been approved by the Food and Drug Administration and they are not intended to diagnose, treat or cure or prevent any disease. Don’t take my word for it…you should always engage conventional wisdom and consult with your medical professional to determine potential drug interactions and safety of use. Always when using essential oils for a medical condition or if on prescribed or over the counter drugs, seek advice from a medical professional (DR./PA/NP/Naturopath/pharmacist) on whether the oils will cause potential adverse reactions. 

 

These practices are what work for me and my family, if you chose to take and use them I encourage you take my research and do some of your own prior to using the tips I give. While I do a lot of research when putting these posts out it generally fits into what I would do with and for my family. If you have specific issues, allergies or conditions these practices may not work or may be detrimental to what you are intending to do for yourself. Again, I encourage wisdom and discussions with your healthcare provider to determine safe use of all posts that I provide that can be used for health reasons

 

 

Some Days It's The Lessons Learned



I am now officially half way through my chemo treatments.. YAY!! By now though I would think with the constant pushing and NAGGING (hee hee) from my favorite nurse Kathy that I would remember to HYDRATE WELL on my IP (intra peritoneal) days!! As nurse Nikki handed me my labs showing where I was blood work wise she told me I was dehydrated, I haven't been dehydrated during any of my labs this far.  It completely made it worse that I knew Sunday (I get labs every Monday) I had really been hydrating well. That meant that last week as I struggled through my bad days that I could have helped that out with drinking more water. Not a fun lesson but one that is now definitely well remembered for next cycle.

Because of my lack of pulling all the fluid off well last week it still was there a little this week which made my IP chemo even more ouchie yesterday. Honestly this was a tough lesson to learn. BUT, I met the coolest lady at the infusion center. We all have separate rooms so there isn't a lot of contact with other patients. She was waiting for me to come out of the restroom (I definitely was working the hydration this time) as we giggled about the fact that there is only one restroom amongst a bunch of women being pumped full of fluid, we made a little bond. Then she stopped at my room on her way back to hers. We happened to be at the end of a nice quiet hallway with just two of us down there which was good because for as chatty as I am she was too. She had a glow and warmth about her and ROCKED the no hair look far better than I ever will as it continues to come out. We plan to meet up and chat next cycle again. Totally made the whole cruddy session better to see such a great shining face that was so friendly!! I feel bad though because I owe it to her to tell her how beautiful she was and I didn't. She kept asking how I still had hair and I was thinking how do you make not having hair look so good??? Now I have to wait weeks to tell her... Another lesson learned, don't pass up a wonderful opportunity to tell someone how awesome they are and look.

There yah go, my lessons for this week =)

Some Days Just Stink....



Yup, despite all I do some days just suck plain and simple... I work hard to mitigate so many of my side effects and 85% of the time I do great but I have these 3-4 days that I can't seem to manage to fully get rid of. Trust me, no I am NOT complaining... I just can't have all this on here without sharing that yes I have days that I just can't get past the side effects. OK, yet, I still hold out hope that I can find SOME combination to even make those bad days just a bit better. My goal is always "more better days". For now though I make it through these days grateful when they are over.

I swear the reason I can't get past those days is a nice reminder to slow down and just heal a little... OK, so that's what I'm going with. Those days also remind me why I work hard to get my story out, to help others. For all those that are going through this it sucks, I GET IT, every cycle I am reminded as to how hard this is. This is a humbling week for me, every time I go through it I am reminded that I can only do so much.

I do get through it though, that's always my good news. I know by Sunday I will be ready to head to church with my crew. As I haul myself out of bed Thursday and feel the nausea, the pain from still having a lot of fluid in my abdomen and that overwhelming just sick feeling I KNOW that it's just a matter of days before this is over again. I have now been through it 3 times as I am writing this and yet every time somehow I forget how cruddy it was the week before. Nurse Kathy gets my whiny e-mail every first week of the cycle as to how I am cursing the team at how I feel. It takes everything I have just to get downstairs and sit for a bit before I get the kiddos up, dressed, cleaning their rooms (with constant reminders to do so), fed and out the door. My husband gets up and gets ready at that time also and leaves somewhere in the middle of all that. After everyone leaves I usually manage to get a bath drawn so I can just soak. I sit there for a half hour in my grapefruit smelling tub breathing in the citrus just working to get through so I can get out, shower and at the very least get the sheets in the wash so I can wash them of any chemo toxins so as not to "share" that with my husband. Then I crash on the couch to try to make it through until the kiddos get home from school and I have to start supper and get everyone off to their activities, bed or whatever comes up in between...

God and I have a lot of chats on these days because I feel cruddy, and when you feel cruddy you get bitter. I mean really, here I am trying to just make it through a few days and the kids don't seem to care and I want to be snuggled but my husband has to work and then comes home tired and late from work because that's just how it is... where is my time? Why really do I have to go through this? Can't we just work out that I can find that "hack" to make these days better?

Honestly I hate those days and those thoughts. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend... I am not alone in what I am dealing with and frankly I have been blessed with a very smooth course during this whole cancer deal. I shouldn't have those thoughts, but then again we are all broken and all have our moments. How do I rank that somehow I wouldn't have those? So I am working on it. I am still a little stubborn on giving EVERYTHING to God. Oh not that I don't ask and think I am, trust me I am good at asking. I have every intention and then when it doesn't go as I planned (like 3-4 days that I can't manage my side effects) somehow I find myself trying to change things myself instead of trusting the same God that has blessed me every turn throughout this process. REALLY? I sit here now giggling at myself. I can do that though because today is day 6 and I have yet again made it through another cruddy first week. Praise God, right?

Attitude has been a constant in my life. I know that if I stay positive, which I do through walking on my faith, that I can make it through ANYTHING. I count on that. Bigger picture has always been a thing for me, it was for my mom too and I thank her for that. Bigger picture says this is 5 months out of 42 years, and God has already stood RIGHT by my side. I have this and it's but a small bit of time. Granted right now and ESPECIALLY on my bad week, it seems to drag on sometimes feeling like it's at a standstill. Tomorrow marks half way through all this. If I can't see that light at the end of this tunnel, then I have failed myself. For me failure isn't an option. Death, that's not even failure if I have fought all I can, stayed true to my faith, walked on God's promises, and known in my heart of hearts that I have done all I can. EVERY day I look at all the blessings I have, every day I look at all I have been given... because cancer wasn't given by God. God gave me the ability to stand on his word, to show others that this CAN be beat, to encourage, strengthen, and find ways to make these bad days better. I am so humbled and thankful to be able to do that. I am thankful that cancer has been the learning experience it has because through this I have found a new way to show God's grace, his mercy, his strength, his LOVE for his children.



My friend Summer posted on her Facebook this verse that Paul wrote to the church. He was imprisoned and his humbleness and thankfulness in this chapter as he encourages and speaks is so admirable to me. Here he is very much in a cruddy situation and yet he has found that he is able to preach. He has found that the bad actually has opened doors... I hear his thankfulness in that. He talks in Philippians of shining as a light to the world, of being humble, not being in your own interests... He admits his past fault but yet reminds us of God's mercy throughout. I love Paul and his life. I am so broken and yet that doesn't have to be ME, I can get through this and see God's abundant grace and mercy.

Paul's humbleness and his strength through God is what I want to take with me next cycle. I want to make sure that I too am walking as he did, again, I am not alone nor am I going through more than anyone else. I am so thankful for those that can be an inspiration and that encouraging example of what I can be through Christ. As he goes on, stating in Phil 4:11 - 13, "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content in any circumstance. I have experienced times of need and times of abundance. In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of contentment, whether I go satisfied or hungry, have plenty or nothing. I am able to do all things through the one who strengthens me." I have to pause and see that God is so good and he has been down this road with others. I need to just hand this all over and trust that this will turn out as it should.

All I can end this with this is how I get through my cruddy days. THIS is how I find strength and keep going. I am not the first and CERTAINLY not the last. Great things await me in my life and I am thankful that I am able to get through what I have to. This is so that I can get to those days with a humbled, grateful heart. Those bad days are going to be there, yet bad days vs. ALL the good days it's worth the time to remember that God is there and he has this all covered. He's been here before and knows the way out and all I have to do is count on that.

Really?? The Hair Has To Go???



My rant...

So some days are tough and the day that I went to take a shower, 15 days after the start of chemo, and I realized my hair was coming out SUCKED... It was sickening. I had been told at about day 14 it would start to go, I had been DREADING that day. I tried hard to imagine it so I could prepare for it but on that 15th day I stood there with hair just constantly coming out as I washed it and realized there is NOTHING you can do to prepare for that feeling. I stood and cried, I was sad because it's me, it's part of me. I have always had extremely thick fine hair, people that did my hair commented on how thick it was. It was also a combination of hair from my mom and Grandpa with the reddish tint and curliness. I stood there just completely defeated and heavy hearted to watch that part of me go.

Beyond the fashion aspect I now, for the first time, looked into the mirror and saw someone with cancer. THAT made me just as sick as losing my hair. I actually LOOKED the part even if I didn't feel that way. I have managed to feel pretty good during this whole process and felt good about how strong I've been and how I didn't get too thin or gain too much weight as I watched my diet and kept fairly regimented. I have never really looked sick. NOW I look and I see me staring back with the flashing sign "I have cancer" because people know the look of no hair and some scarf on to cover that up. I HATE looking like that, I HATE that people would see me as a person with cancer because for me I have walked out on that I AM HEALED. I am SO not that person looking back at me in the mirror. I am healed, I am sick only one week during my cycle and at that I am not debilitated or unable to function....

That first day was hard, and when I had to go to the grocery and faced people (not that they could tell at that point) I wondered how "un-noticeable" I would be without hair like I was when I walked in with hair. No one was looking at me and wondering if I had cancer, they barely knew I was there. That wouldn't be the case when I came in bald and trying to hide the fact under a hat or scarf. How do I handle that? I am not a good person for handling those kinds of looks... I drove home and as I pulled into the garage about 2 minutes later a song came on that I love, I couldn't help it, I started to cry and just gave it to God that I am SO not able to handle this again alone. I felt as weak and depressed as the day I heard I had cancer, over hair, really? But yet I there I was and as I cried and sang the song that was on the radio station "The Message" (Contemporary Christian), I was able to just let some of that grief, sadness and frustration out.

This one is my "thing", I have more good and bad days with dealing with my hair loss than any other factor of the whole cancer experience. Some days I am happy that I don't have to shave my legs except about once or twice a month. Also honestly I do still have SOME hair going into the 3rd treatment cycle. They say it won't stay though so I am holding on as long as I can to AS MUCH as I can. I just can't shave it, I am stubborn that way. I have made it work with hats and some head things that look more like bandanas than scarves. I try to be nice when people try to help with the "just shave it, that's what my friend did" comments. It's tough though because this part of the whole process is SO out of my control and really, honestly gets to me. I actually can't stand the question "so how is the hair?" or "have you lost all your hair yet?". It literally makes me mad that someone would think so little of how I feel about it that they ask. Then the rational side says they just want to know. That starts a whole new conversation in my head as to why at all it's anyone's business and asking me just so THEY know is really something that makes me mad... That's one God and I have a ton of conversations about, Him giving me the strength not to be mad at someone that has little to no clue as to how personal, embarrassing, completely humiliating at times it can be... I definitely have to ask for strength, forgiveness, PATIENCE and just plain kindness in my heart so that I don't resent that question for longer than I already do.

For those that don't have cancer that are reading this, I hope that you can take away a little piece of understanding for those women that are in this boat. I hope that you just listen because unless asked, input usually isn't necessary other than asking what they need and just hearing that this part sucks on SO many levels. No other words need to be said other than this part is one that stinks beyond words. For those going through it, yeah, THIS SUCKS!! I hear yah and KNOW that after this is through I will be working on finding oils to make that hair grow in faster. Trust me on that one!!! Until then I give every woman that has had to deal with this aspect and those going through it a big huge hug. Also an understanding that there are no words to describe fully how much this part is one of the hard parts of this whole cancer deal.