My rant...So some days are tough and the day that I went to take a shower, 15 days after the start of chemo, and I realized my hair was coming out SUCKED... It was sickening. I had been told at about day 14 it would start to go, I had been DREADING that day. I tried hard to imagine it so I could prepare for it but on that 15th day I stood there with hair just constantly coming out as I washed it and realized there is NOTHING you can do to prepare for that feeling. I stood and cried, I was sad because it's me, it's part of me. I have always had extremely thick fine hair, people that did my hair commented on how thick it was. It was also a combination of hair from my mom and Grandpa with the reddish tint and curliness. I stood there just completely defeated and heavy hearted to watch that part of me go.
Beyond the fashion aspect I now, for the first time, looked into the mirror and saw someone with cancer. THAT made me just as sick as losing my hair. I actually LOOKED the part even if I didn't feel that way. I have managed to feel pretty good during this whole process and felt good about how strong I've been and how I didn't get too thin or gain too much weight as I watched my diet and kept fairly regimented. I have never really looked sick. NOW I look and I see me staring back with the flashing sign "I have cancer" because people know the look of no hair and some scarf on to cover that up. I HATE looking like that, I HATE that people would see me as a person with cancer because for me I have walked out on that I AM HEALED. I am SO not that person looking back at me in the mirror. I am healed, I am sick only one week during my cycle and at that I am not debilitated or unable to function....
That first day was hard, and when I had to go to the grocery and faced people (not that they could tell at that point) I wondered how "un-noticeable" I would be without hair like I was when I walked in with hair. No one was looking at me and wondering if I had cancer, they barely knew I was there. That wouldn't be the case when I came in bald and trying to hide the fact under a hat or scarf. How do I handle that? I am not a good person for handling those kinds of looks... I drove home and as I pulled into the garage about 2 minutes later a song came on that I love, I couldn't help it, I started to cry and just gave it to God that I am SO not able to handle this again alone. I felt as weak and depressed as the day I heard I had cancer, over hair, really? But yet I there I was and as I cried and sang the song that was on the radio station "The Message" (Contemporary Christian), I was able to just let some of that grief, sadness and frustration out.
This one is my "thing", I have more good and bad days with dealing with my hair loss than any other factor of the whole cancer experience. Some days I am happy that I don't have to shave my legs except about once or twice a month. Also honestly I do still have SOME hair going into the 3rd treatment cycle. They say it won't stay though so I am holding on as long as I can to AS MUCH as I can. I just can't shave it, I am stubborn that way. I have made it work with hats and some head things that look more like bandanas than scarves. I try to be nice when people try to help with the "just shave it, that's what my friend did" comments. It's tough though because this part of the whole process is SO out of my control and really, honestly gets to me. I actually can't stand the question "so how is the hair?" or "have you lost all your hair yet?". It literally makes me mad that someone would think so little of how I feel about it that they ask. Then the rational side says they just want to know. That starts a whole new conversation in my head as to why at all it's anyone's business and asking me just so THEY know is really something that makes me mad... That's one God and I have a ton of conversations about, Him giving me the strength not to be mad at someone that has little to no clue as to how personal, embarrassing, completely humiliating at times it can be... I definitely have to ask for strength, forgiveness, PATIENCE and just plain kindness in my heart so that I don't resent that question for longer than I already do.
For those that don't have cancer that are reading this, I hope that you can take away a little piece of understanding for those women that are in this boat. I hope that you just listen because unless asked, input usually isn't necessary other than asking what they need and just hearing that this part sucks on SO many levels. No other words need to be said other than this part is one that stinks beyond words. For those going through it, yeah, THIS SUCKS!! I hear yah and KNOW that after this is through I will be working on finding oils to make that hair grow in faster. Trust me on that one!!! Until then I give every woman that has had to deal with this aspect and those going through it a big huge hug. Also an understanding that there are no words to describe fully how much this part is one of the hard parts of this whole cancer deal.
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