Yup, despite all I do some days just suck plain and simple... I work hard to mitigate so many of my side effects and 85% of the time I do great but I have these 3-4 days that I can't seem to manage to fully get rid of. Trust me, no I am NOT complaining... I just can't have all this on here without sharing that yes I have days that I just can't get past the side effects. OK, yet, I still hold out hope that I can find SOME combination to even make those bad days just a bit better. My goal is always "more better days". For now though I make it through these days grateful when they are over.
I swear the reason I can't get past those days is a nice reminder to slow down and just heal a little... OK, so that's what I'm going with. Those days also remind me why I work hard to get my story out, to help others. For all those that are going through this it sucks, I GET IT, every cycle I am reminded as to how hard this is. This is a humbling week for me, every time I go through it I am reminded that I can only do so much.
I do get through it though, that's always my good news. I know by Sunday I will be ready to head to church with my crew. As I haul myself out of bed Thursday and feel the nausea, the pain from still having a lot of fluid in my abdomen and that overwhelming just sick feeling I KNOW that it's just a matter of days before this is over again. I have now been through it 3 times as I am writing this and yet every time somehow I forget how cruddy it was the week before. Nurse Kathy gets my whiny e-mail every first week of the cycle as to how I am cursing the team at how I feel. It takes everything I have just to get downstairs and sit for a bit before I get the kiddos up, dressed, cleaning their rooms (with constant reminders to do so), fed and out the door. My husband gets up and gets ready at that time also and leaves somewhere in the middle of all that. After everyone leaves I usually manage to get a bath drawn so I can just soak. I sit there for a half hour in my grapefruit smelling tub breathing in the citrus just working to get through so I can get out, shower and at the very least get the sheets in the wash so I can wash them of any chemo toxins so as not to "share" that with my husband. Then I crash on the couch to try to make it through until the kiddos get home from school and I have to start supper and get everyone off to their activities, bed or whatever comes up in between...
God and I have a lot of chats on these days because I feel cruddy, and when you feel cruddy you get bitter. I mean really, here I am trying to just make it through a few days and the kids don't seem to care and I want to be snuggled but my husband has to work and then comes home tired and late from work because that's just how it is... where is my time? Why really do I have to go through this? Can't we just work out that I can find that "hack" to make these days better?
Honestly I hate those days and those thoughts. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend... I am not alone in what I am dealing with and frankly I have been blessed with a very smooth course during this whole cancer deal. I shouldn't have those thoughts, but then again we are all broken and all have our moments. How do I rank that somehow I wouldn't have those? So I am working on it. I am still a little stubborn on giving EVERYTHING to God. Oh not that I don't ask and think I am, trust me I am good at asking. I have every intention and then when it doesn't go as I planned (like 3-4 days that I can't manage my side effects) somehow I find myself trying to change things myself instead of trusting the same God that has blessed me every turn throughout this process. REALLY? I sit here now giggling at myself. I can do that though because today is day 6 and I have yet again made it through another cruddy first week. Praise God, right?
Attitude has been a constant in my life. I know that if I stay positive, which I do through walking on my faith, that I can make it through ANYTHING. I count on that. Bigger picture has always been a thing for me, it was for my mom too and I thank her for that. Bigger picture says this is 5 months out of 42 years, and God has already stood RIGHT by my side. I have this and it's but a small bit of time. Granted right now and ESPECIALLY on my bad week, it seems to drag on sometimes feeling like it's at a standstill. Tomorrow marks half way through all this. If I can't see that light at the end of this tunnel, then I have failed myself. For me failure isn't an option. Death, that's not even failure if I have fought all I can, stayed true to my faith, walked on God's promises, and known in my heart of hearts that I have done all I can. EVERY day I look at all the blessings I have, every day I look at all I have been given... because cancer wasn't given by God. God gave me the ability to stand on his word, to show others that this CAN be beat, to encourage, strengthen, and find ways to make these bad days better. I am so humbled and thankful to be able to do that. I am thankful that cancer has been the learning experience it has because through this I have found a new way to show God's grace, his mercy, his strength, his LOVE for his children.
My friend Summer posted on her Facebook this verse that Paul wrote to the church. He was imprisoned and his humbleness and thankfulness in this chapter as he encourages and speaks is so admirable to me. Here he is very much in a cruddy situation and yet he has found that he is able to preach. He has found that the bad actually has opened doors... I hear his thankfulness in that. He talks in Philippians of shining as a light to the world, of being humble, not being in your own interests... He admits his past fault but yet reminds us of God's mercy throughout. I love Paul and his life. I am so broken and yet that doesn't have to be ME, I can get through this and see God's abundant grace and mercy.
Paul's humbleness and his strength through God is what I want to take with me next cycle. I want to make sure that I too am walking as he did, again, I am not alone nor am I going through more than anyone else. I am so thankful for those that can be an inspiration and that encouraging example of what I can be through Christ. As he goes on, stating in Phil 4:11 - 13, "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content in any circumstance. I have experienced times of need and times of abundance. In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of contentment, whether I go satisfied or hungry, have plenty or nothing. I am able to do all things through the one who strengthens me." I have to pause and see that God is so good and he has been down this road with others. I need to just hand this all over and trust that this will turn out as it should.
All I can end this with this is how I get through my cruddy days. THIS is how I find strength and keep going. I am not the first and CERTAINLY not the last. Great things await me in my life and I am thankful that I am able to get through what I have to. This is so that I can get to those days with a humbled, grateful heart. Those bad days are going to be there, yet bad days vs. ALL the good days it's worth the time to remember that God is there and he has this all covered. He's been here before and knows the way out and all I have to do is count on that.
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